**Woman Brutally Assaulted in Home Invasion at Beanie Babies Tycoon’s Residence: Report**
In a shocking turn of events that has left the plush toy community reeling, a woman was reportedly assaulted during a home invasion at the residence of Ty Warner, the infamous Beanie Babies tycoon. Sources say the assailants were after the rarest of the rare: a limited edition “Princess Diana” Beanie Baby, which is rumored to be worth more than a small country.
Eyewitnesses claim that the intruders, dressed in oversized animal costumes, burst into the mansion shouting, “We’re here for the beans!” The victim, identified as local Beanie Baby enthusiast and self-proclaimed “Beanie Queen,” Doris Fluffington, was reportedly in the middle of a heated debate with her cat about the merits of the “Cubbie” bear when the chaos ensued.
“I thought it was just another Tuesday,” Fluffington said, still clutching her prized collection of Beanie Babies. “But then I saw them! They were like a furry tornado, and I was just trying to protect my babies! I yelled, ‘Not the Cubbie!’ but they didn’t listen.”
Ty Warner, who was reportedly in the middle of a “Beanie Baby Renaissance” in his basement, emerged to find the chaos. “I thought I was being pranked by Ashton Kutcher,” he said, still in disbelief. “I mean, who robs a Beanie Baby collector? It’s like robbing a museum of dust bunnies!”
Authorities are still searching for the assailants, who are believed to have escaped on a unicycle while juggling plush toys. Meanwhile, Fluffington has vowed to increase her home security, stating, “I’m installing a moat filled with Beanie Babies. If they want to get in, they’ll have to swim through a sea of nostalgia!”
As the investigation continues, one thing is clear: the Beanie Baby community will not be silenced. “We’re tougher than we look,” Fluffington declared, brandishing a “Peanut the Elephant” Beanie Baby like a weapon. “And we’ll fight for our beans!”
