**Wisconsin Judge Declares ‘Absolute Immunity,’ Calls DOJ Indictment a ‘Disturbing Innovation’—Is He Just Mad He Missed the Last Tech Conference?**
In a groundbreaking legal maneuver that has left the nation scratching its collective head, Wisconsin Judge Horace “The Hammer” McGuffin has declared that he possesses “absolute immunity” from any and all consequences, labeling the recent Department of Justice indictment against him as a “disturbing innovation.”
“Honestly, I thought we were just playing Monopoly,” Judge McGuffin said during a press conference held in his living room, where he was surrounded by a collection of rubber ducks. “I mean, who knew that ‘Go to Jail’ was a real thing? I thought it was just a suggestion!”
The judge’s ruling comes after he was indicted for allegedly using his gavel to conduct an impromptu karaoke session during court proceedings. “I was just trying to lighten the mood!” he exclaimed, before breaking into a rendition of “I Will Survive.” “What’s more disturbing is that nobody recorded it for TikTok!”
Legal experts are baffled by McGuffin’s assertion of absolute immunity. “I’ve seen some wild courtroom antics, but this takes the cake,” said local attorney and part-time magician, Linda “The Legal Illusionist” Thompson. “Next, he’ll claim he’s a time traveler and that the laws of physics don’t apply to him.”
Meanwhile, the DOJ has responded with a statement that reads like a bad breakup text: “It’s not you, it’s us. We just can’t be in a relationship with someone who thinks they’re above the law. We need space.”
As the legal drama unfolds, Judge McGuffin remains undeterred. “I’m just waiting for my next case,” he said, adjusting his oversized glasses. “I hear there’s a guy in the next county who tried to sue a pizza place for not delivering on time. Now that’s a case I can sink my teeth into!”
In the meantime, the judge has taken to social media, launching a new hashtag: #ImmunityIsMySuperpower. Because if there’s one thing we can all agree on, it’s that absolute immunity is the new black.
