**West Virginia Governor Vows to Protect Women’s Sports from Trans Athletes, Promises to “Reinstate the Power of the Pigtail”**
In a bold move that has left the sports world scratching its collective head, West Virginia Governor Jim Justice announced his commitment to safeguarding women’s sports in the state, following the participation of a trans athlete in the state championship. “We can’t let our women’s sports be overrun by anyone who can run faster than a squirrel on espresso,” Justice declared at a press conference, flanked by a group of confused cheerleaders and a raccoon named “Champ.”
The governor’s plan includes a series of measures, such as mandatory pigtails for all female athletes and a new “Squirrel Speed Test” to determine eligibility. “If you can outrun a squirrel, you’re outta here!” he exclaimed, as the raccoon nodded in agreement. “We need to protect our girls from unfair competition, like that time I lost a pie-eating contest to a raccoon. Never again!”
Justice also proposed a new state motto: “West Virginia: Where the Only Thing Faster Than Our Athletes is Our Internet Connection.” Critics, however, are concerned that the new regulations might lead to confusion. “What if a girl wants to cut her hair? Does she have to wear a wig?” asked local athlete and part-time hairdresser, Betty Lou “The Scissors” Thompson. “I mean, I can’t even keep track of my own hair, let alone the rules of this madness!”
In a surprising twist, the governor also announced plans for a new reality show titled “Pigtails and Powerlifting,” where contestants will compete in various sports while adhering to the new hair regulations. “It’s going to be a smash hit!” said producer and self-proclaimed hair enthusiast, Chuck “The Curl” McGee. “Who wouldn’t want to see a 300-pound woman bench-pressing while sporting a fabulous set of pigtails?”
As the dust settles on this controversial decision, one thing is clear: West Virginia is ready to take women’s sports to a whole new level—one pigtail at a time.
