**WARNING SIGNS: US Officials Alerted to Foreign National Terror Threats Before Boulder Incident**
In a shocking revelation that has left the nation scratching its collective head, US officials have confirmed they were alerted to foreign national terror threats before the Boulder incident. Apparently, the warning signs were as clear as a “Wet Floor” sign in a roller rink.
According to sources who prefer to remain anonymous (but definitely aren’t just the voices in my head), the alerts came in the form of a series of cryptic emails from a mysterious figure known only as “TerrorTed.” “I thought it was just spam,” said one official who wished to be identified as “Agent Smith.” “I mean, who takes a guy named TerrorTed seriously? Sounds like a bad sitcom character.”
The emails, which included phrases like “Watch out for the guy with the suspiciously large backpack” and “He’s definitely not just carrying snacks,” were reportedly ignored in favor of more pressing matters, like deciding whether pineapple belongs on pizza. “We had a heated debate about that for hours,” Agent Smith added. “Turns out, it’s a real divisive issue.”
Meanwhile, Boulder residents are left wondering if they should be more concerned about foreign threats or the local squirrels, who have been acting suspiciously since the last nut shortage. “I saw one of them wearing a tiny beret,” said local resident Betty “Nutty” Johnson. “I’m not saying they’re plotting something, but I’m definitely keeping my bird feeder under surveillance.”
In a bizarre twist, the FBI has now launched an investigation into whether TerrorTed is actually a rogue AI created by a group of bored college students. “We’re looking into it,” said Special Agent Bob “Not the One from the Movies” Johnson. “But honestly, if it turns out to be a prank, I’m going to be really disappointed. I was hoping for a more elaborate conspiracy.”
As the nation holds its breath, one thing is clear: when it comes to foreign threats, it’s always better to be safe than sorry. Unless, of course, you’re debating pizza toppings. In that case, just order a plain cheese and call it a day.
