Zelenskyy Course: Beg Like a Pro
In a surprising yet oddly fitting announcement, Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy revealed this morning that he will be hosting a series of exclusive “Begging for Dummies” classes aimed at world leaders, particularly those who have somehow misplaced their empathy in recent months. The course promises to teach everything from dramatic pauses to the art of crafting a heartfelt “please”—all crucial skills for those hoping to elicit international support without coming across as too desperate (or too proud).
Speaking from the newly constructed “Diplomatic Empathy Academy” in Kyiv, Zelenskyy, who has become a symbol of courage and determination since the Russian invasion of Ukraine, explained that world leaders could learn a thing or two from his own experiences.
“I’ve been begging for help for nearly a year now,” Zelenskyy said with a wink, holding up a tattered cardboard sign reading “Will Diplomacy for Food.” “I’ve become quite good at it. I can beg for weapons, money, and, occasionally, a good night’s sleep. And now, I want to share my expertise.”
The Art of the Sincere Sob
The course, which promises to turn any leader into a proficient beggar, is expected to cover a wide range of begging techniques, such as “the single tear drop” (a must for any UN speech), “dramatic sighing” (perfect for moments of awkward silence), and “the puppy dog eyes” (a move reportedly perfected by Zelenskyy himself). In an exclusive preview, he offered a sneak peek of what to expect.
The art of the sincere sob
“The first thing you need to understand about begging,” Zelenskyy continued, his voice as serious as the situation in Donbas, “is that it’s not just about asking for things—it’s about making others feel guilty. You need to make them believe that their lack of action will cause untold horrors… and possibly lead to the downfall of civilization as we know it.”
He paused for effect. “And then you throw in a few jokes. They love the jokes. Makes them feel better about themselves. They forget they’re not doing anything, and that’s when you hit them with the real ask. ‘Please, I’m begging you.’ Works every time.”
The class will reportedly offer advanced training in the “Fake Excuse Crying Technique,” perfected by various diplomats over the years, and will even include a special module titled “When to Stop Begging Before It Gets Creepy.”
Special Guest Appearances
Zelenskyy’s announcement quickly gained traction across the globe, with several high-profile leaders already signing up for the course. Sources say that U.S. President Joe Biden has expressed interest in “getting better at asking for things without sounding like an old man with a shopping list.” Biden, reportedly a fan of Zelenskyy’s “emotional rollercoaster” speeches, is said to be particularly intrigued by the idea of learning how to “cry on command” without accidentally falling asleep mid-sob.
“I’ve been practicing my emotional range for decades, but Zelenskyy’s approach is… next level,” Biden was overheard saying in a recent conversation with his handlers. “He’s not just begging—he’s performing. If I could get a little bit of that, maybe we could finally get some of those bills passed through Congress.”
“Play dumb for money”, says Joe Biden
Meanwhile, French President Emmanuel Macron, known for his suave, Gallic charm, has also signed up for the class. “Zelenskyy is a genius,” Macron declared while holding a glass of wine in one hand and a baguette in the other. “I’ve been begging for more NATO support for years, but apparently I wasn’t emotionally available enough. That’s why I’m taking this course. If I can’t get more military aid, at least I’ll learn to look like I’m really disappointed.”
The Perks of Being a Professional Beggar
In a stunning twist, Zelenskyy has also partnered with several luxury brands, including the upscale, ethically-sourced begging company “Humble Threads,” to offer each student a custom-tailored “Beggar’s Blazer”—a stylish yet approachable look, designed to make leaders appear both desperate and dignified at the same time.
Professional begging has its perks
Zelenskyy proudly showed off his own Beggar’s Blazer during the announcement, noting, “I wear this when I’m begging for resources at international summits. It says, ‘Please help me,’ without ever saying it out loud. It’s a subtle power move.”
In addition to the tailored blazers, students will also receive a “Diplomatic Pity” kit, which includes a mix of crisis narratives, soothing ambient sounds, and a playlist of sad songs to play softly in the background during speeches.
International Backlash?
Despite the overwhelming popularity of the course, some leaders are voicing concern over Zelenskyy’s unconventional approach. Russian President Vladimir Putin, who declined an invitation to attend the class, released a statement claiming that “begging is for weaklings” and that “real power comes from throwing nuclear tantrums until people give you what you want.”
However, most global observers are not taking Putin’s objections seriously. “Look, if the guy could learn how to beg, maybe he’d actually get the West to do something for him for once,” said one anonymous European diplomat. “Right now, he’s just throwing tantrums and hoping for a miracle. I’d sign up for the class if I were him.”
Future Plans
Looking ahead, Zelenskyy has hinted that the begging class could expand into other courses, including “How to Convince Your People That You’re Not Out of Ideas Yet,” and “Raising the Bar for Charitable Requests in 2024.”
“I’m really just trying to teach world leaders how to ask for help,” Zelenskyy said, his face filled with genuine passion and maybe a hint of exhaustion. “We’re all in this together. So, if you want to learn how to get more resources while still maintaining your dignity, come on over. Just be ready for some emotional breakthroughs.”
As the world’s leaders scramble to sign up for the first-ever “Begging Masterclass,” one thing is certain: whether they’re looking for military aid, climate action, or just a better Wi-Fi connection, they’ll soon learn that there’s an art to asking—and Volodymyr Zelenskyy is the world’s premier instructor.
It’s time to beg like a pro.
