**US Leaders and Jewish Organizations Denounce Boulder Terror Attack as ‘Vile and Antisemitic’ – But Wait, There’s More!**
In a shocking turn of events, US leaders and Jewish organizations have united to denounce the recent Boulder terror attack as “vile and antisemitic,” but they also took a moment to express their deep concern over the lack of bagels in the local deli. “It’s a double whammy,” said Senator Chuck Schumer, who was seen clutching a lox bagel while shaking his head in disbelief. “First, we have a terror attack, and then I find out they’re out of everything except plain cream cheese? What is this, a conspiracy?”
The Boulder incident, which involved a group of rogue squirrels stealing menorahs, has left many scratching their heads. “I mean, who knew squirrels could be so anti-Semitic?” quipped local rabbi, Rabbi Shlomo Nutkin. “I always thought they were just hoarding nuts, not hate!”
Meanwhile, Boulder’s Mayor, a man known for his love of both yoga and kugel, stated, “We will not stand for this! We will fight back with our most powerful weapon: a community potluck! Bring your best kugel, and let’s show these squirrels what we’re made of!”
In a bizarre twist, a local squirrel activist group has come forward to defend their furry friends. “Squirrels are misunderstood,” said their spokesperson, Nutty McNutface. “They just wanted to borrow the menorahs for a little holiday cheer. Who doesn’t love a good dreidel spin?”
As the nation rallies against the vile act, one thing is clear: Boulder will not only stand against antisemitism but will also ensure that bagels are always in stock. Because if there’s one thing that unites us all, it’s a good bagel and a strong stance against rogue squirrels.
