**US Imposes Sanctions on Two Members of Northeast Cartel: “We’re Just Trying to Keep It Local!” Says Cartel Spokesperson**
In a shocking turn of events that has left the world scratching its head, the United States has imposed sanctions on two members of the Northeast Cartel, a Mexican drug trafficking organization that has apparently been operating under the motto, “Why go global when you can keep it local?”
The two sanctioned members, Juan “The Bean Counter” Rodriguez and Maria “Not Your Average Maria” Gonzalez, were reportedly caught red-handed trying to sell tacos filled with “mystery meat” at a local fair. “We were just trying to diversify our portfolio,” said Rodriguez, who was seen wearing a sombrero made of cash. “I thought the US would appreciate our entrepreneurial spirit!”
In a press conference that was more circus than serious, a spokesperson for the Northeast Cartel, who insisted on being called “El Jefe de Taco,” stated, “We’re just trying to keep the economy thriving! If the US can impose sanctions, we can impose deliciousness!”
The sanctions, which include a ban on all taco-related exports, have left many in the cartel confused. “What are we supposed to do now? Sell burritos?” lamented Gonzalez, who was last seen trying to negotiate a deal with a local food truck. “I mean, who even eats burritos anymore?”
Meanwhile, US officials are reportedly working on a new strategy to combat the cartel’s influence. “We’re thinking of sending in a team of food critics,” said one anonymous source. “If we can’t beat them, we’ll just make them cry over their soggy nachos!”
As the Northeast Cartel grapples with its newfound status as the “most sanctioned taco stand in the world,” one thing is clear: the only thing more ridiculous than their operations is the US government’s response. Stay tuned for updates as this spicy saga unfolds!
