In a groundbreaking display of endurance and sheer willpower, union workers gathered this Tuesday to celebrate the 12th Annual “We Tried” Picnic, a post-negotiation event held annually to mark the end of yet another round of fruitless discussions with management. This year’s picnic, which took place under the flickering fluorescent lights of the breakroom, had a record turnout—though attendance was largely voluntary.
“We didn’t get anything we wanted, but hey, at least we tried, right?” said Randy “The Negotiator” Johnson, the union’s head delegate, as he stuffed an alarming amount of potato salad into a plastic container. “We came close to getting a break room with actual chairs instead of these folding ones, but management said that was ‘off the table.’ So, here we are. If anything, it’s about perseverance. And potato salad.”
The event featured a variety of activities, including a spirited game of “Pin the Blame on the Other Party” and a competitive round of “Trust Fall” (where trust, not surprisingly, failed to fall in either direction). The highlight, however, was the annual “We Are Definitely Getting a Raise—Just Not This Year” raffle. The winner, Carol from HR, took home a participation ribbon and a coupon for 10% off her next purchase of unhelpful office supplies.
Failed Negotiation
“This is a tradition we’re all really proud of,” said Greg, the union’s unofficial mascot who dresses in a full-body inflatable suit. “It’s the one day we get to pretend we’re actually making progress while still getting offered a ‘free pizza lunch’ that was probably ordered from a frozen section at the gas station. A win-win.”
Of course, no picnic would be complete without a ceremonial speech by Union President, Steve “I’m Holding Out For A Better Deal” Thompson, who took the mic while balancing a sandwich that appeared to be 90% mustard. “Management loves to talk about ‘profit margins,’” Steve said, wiping a suspicious yellow smear from his shirt. “But what about our margins? Our margins are shrinking, folks! Look at this sandwich. What is this? A joke? No, this is what we’re left with after negotiating for six months. Do you see any pickles on this? No. No pickles.”
Despite the lack of tangible progress, spirits were high, fueled by an endless supply of soggy chips and drinks with no carbonation. The crowd roared with laughter as workers shared tales of their most bizarre negotiating moments. One memorable moment came from Nancy, a longtime union member who recalled the time management offered her “flexible hours,” which turned out to mean “you can choose when you’d like to stay late to finish your work, but still won’t get overtime.”
“This picnic is just what we needed,” Nancy remarked, as she tried to untangle the now-defunct karaoke machine. “It reminds us that, even though we didn’t get what we asked for, we at least get a free T-shirt that says ‘We Tried.’ It’s a constant reminder of how hard we didn’t work.”
In the end, the “We Tried” Picnic wasn’t just a celebration of collective bargaining; it was a testament to the age-old union mantra: If you can’t beat ’em, at least make them feel guilty for making you try.
And if nothing else, everyone left with a slightly bruised ego and an extra-large bag of pretzels. Cheers to the next 12 years of mild disappointment!
