New York, Nov. 22 – The United Nations has issued an urgent statement declaring a “catastrophic global crisis” stemming from an overwhelming inability to agree on literally anything – from climate change to what’s for lunch in the cafeteria. The U.N. crisis, officially titled “The Inability to Form a Consensus About Anything at All,” has quickly gained traction, leaving world leaders scrambling to find common ground on the most trivial of matters.
António Guterres
“The situation is beyond urgent,” said U.N. Secretary-General Antonio Guterres in a dramatic address this morning, while also struggling to agree on which tie to wear. “We can’t even agree on whether pineapple belongs on pizza, let alone how to solve world hunger or fix the economy.”
Sources within the U.N. suggest that the growing impasse reached a tipping point after a 72-hour debate on whether to ban the color chartreuse or simply leave it up to individual countries. “We’ve had meetings where we couldn’t even agree on what time to start a meeting,” said one anonymous U.N. diplomat, sipping from a cup labeled “#1 World Leader.” “It’s just chaos.”
The U.N.’s recently convened ‘Global Consensus Task Force’ has already failed to make progress, despite multiple attempts to create a 12-step plan for getting everyone on the same page. One source claimed that the first 11 steps were “honestly just ice-breaker games and a team-building exercise involving a giant Jenga set.”
“It’s tough, you know?” explained Dr. Madeline Trudison, a former diplomat who now leads the U.N.’s ‘How to Disagree with Everything’ division. “The problem isn’t that we don’t have solutions. It’s that we can’t agree on what counts as a solution anymore. We can’t even solve the simple stuff. Yesterday, we couldn’t even decide who would get to speak first during a debate on water scarcity—some said it should be the guy with the best flow, others said it should be alphabetical. Absolute gridlock.”
An impromptu poll conducted on Twitter by the U.N.’s official account found that 78% of people would rather just send everyone an emoji as a solution to world peace, while 13% suggested a global game of rock-paper-scissors to determine who gets to make decisions. The remaining 9% were “just there for the snacks,” according to one social media manager.
The U.N.’s lack of consensus has begun to reverberate globally. In Brussels, the European Union’s emergency summit to address rising tensions was halted when leaders spent an entire afternoon arguing over which season of The Office was superior—U.S. or U.K. version.
“It’s exhausting,” said Jean-Claude Dubois, a French diplomat. “One moment, we were discussing climate change, the next we were debating whether Justin Timberlake is better than Harry Styles. In the end, we just agreed that neither was worth saving, and moved on.”
Critics argue that the U.N. may not be able to survive the consensus crisis much longer. “At this rate, the only thing we’re sure about is that nobody’s sure about anything,” said political analyst Lizzie Malone, adding, “It’s like watching a reality TV show, but less entertaining and with fewer fire extinguishers.”
Despite the bleak outlook, the U.N. insists they are committed to solving the crisis by hosting another meeting on Monday to discuss the possibility of scheduling future meetings. However, sources say a deal is “unlikely” unless an official snack agreement can be reached.
At this point, the global community waits with bated breath and crossed fingers, hoping that one day, the U.N. will be able to solve something—anything—at all. But until then, it’s back to arguing over the shade of beige in the meeting room carpet.
