**Trump Hostage Envoy Calls Israel Abandonment Report ‘Fake News’ – Claims He Was Just ‘Taking a Break’**
In a stunning turn of events, former President Donald Trump’s self-appointed Hostage Envoy, Bob “The Negotiator” McBargain, has officially declared that reports of the U.S. abandoning Israel are nothing more than “fake news.” McBargain, who once negotiated a 50% discount on a used golf cart, insists that the rumors are as baseless as a diet soda’s claim to be “healthy.”
“Look, I was just taking a little break,” McBargain said while sipping a Diet Coke and wearing a Hawaiian shirt that screamed “I’m on vacation!” “I mean, who wouldn’t want to kick back and relax while the world is on fire? I was just trying to find the best beachside taco stand in Tel Aviv!”
Sources close to McBargain report that he was last seen at a beach resort in Cancun, where he was allegedly negotiating with local vendors for a lifetime supply of guacamole. “I told them, ‘If you can get me a deal on avocados, I’ll consider sending a postcard to Israel,’” he quipped.
Meanwhile, Trump himself weighed in on the controversy via his favorite medium: a series of cryptic tweets. “FAKE NEWS! I love Israel! They have the best falafel. Tremendous falafel. The best. Believe me,” he tweeted, followed by a picture of him holding a falafel sandwich with the caption, “This is not a hostage situation.”
As the world waits for McBargain to return from his “business trip,” experts are left scratching their heads. “It’s hard to abandon a country when you’re busy trying to find the best margarita,” said political analyst and part-time fortune teller, Crystal Ballington. “But if anyone can do it, it’s McBargain.”
In the meantime, the U.S. State Department has issued a statement reassuring allies that they are still committed to Israel, as long as they can find a good deal on flights. “We’re not abandoning anyone,” said spokesperson Jen Psaki. “We’re just… exploring our options. Like a kid in a candy store, but with more geopolitical implications.”
As the saga unfolds, one thing is clear: when it comes to diplomacy, McBargain is the only envoy who can turn a hostage situation into a vacation brochure. Stay tuned for updates, or at least for more taco recommendations!
