**Trump Declines to Declassify Biden’s Health Documents, Claims They’re “Too Healthy” for Public Consumption**
In a shocking twist that has left political analysts scratching their heads and conspiracy theorists sharpening their tinfoil hats, former President Donald Trump has officially announced that he will not be ordering his administration to declassify President Biden’s health documents. This decision comes amid rampant claims of a “cover-up” that would make even the most seasoned soap opera writers envious.
“Listen, folks, I’ve seen those documents, and let me tell you, they’re too healthy for the American people,” Trump declared during a recent rally in a gymnasium that was suspiciously decorated with both American flags and inflatable flamingos. “I mean, who wants to see a 78-year-old man with a clean bill of health? It’s just not good for ratings!”
Sources close to the former president, including his pet goldfish, Mr. Bubbles, have revealed that Trump believes Biden’s health records could “spark a national fitness craze” that would overshadow his own workout routine of lifting cheeseburgers and running from the truth. “I can’t have people thinking they can just jog and eat kale and live forever,” Trump reportedly said, while munching on a Big Mac.
Meanwhile, White House Press Secretary Karla McFluffington responded to the claims with a straight face, stating, “We have nothing to hide. In fact, we’re considering releasing a new line of Biden-branded health supplements. They’re called ‘Biden’s Vitality Vitamins’—guaranteed to make you feel like you’re 30 again, or at least 50, if you take them with a side of ice cream.”
As the debate rages on, one thing is clear: the only thing more confusing than Biden’s health documents is the fact that Trump still thinks he can run for president while simultaneously running a reality show called “The Real Housewives of Mar-a-Lago.”
Stay tuned for more updates as this story develops—assuming we can find someone who actually cares about Biden’s health records.
