**Trump Gold Card Visa Program Set to Launch Online Soon, According to Commerce Secretary**
In a move that has left economists scratching their heads and comedians rubbing their hands in glee, the Trump administration has announced the upcoming launch of the “Trump Gold Card Visa Program.” According to Commerce Secretary and self-proclaimed “Master of the Universe,” Wilbur Ross, the program is designed to “make immigration great again” by offering a shiny gold card that grants holders access to exclusive benefits, like free golf at Mar-a-Lago and a lifetime supply of Trump Steaks.
“Why settle for a boring old green card when you can have a gold one?” Ross exclaimed during a press conference, while wearing sunglasses indoors. “It’s like the VIP pass to America! You’ll feel like a celebrity, even if you’re just here to sell artisanal pickles.”
The program promises to be as easy as pie—if that pie were made of gold and had a side of bureaucracy. Applicants will need to submit a selfie with a MAGA hat, a signed photo of Donald Trump, and a 500-word essay titled “Why I Love Trump More Than My Own Mother.”
“I can’t wait to apply!” said aspiring visa holder and pickle enthusiast, Maria “Pickle Queen” Gonzalez. “I’ve always wanted to be part of a program that sounds like a bad reality show!”
Critics are already lining up to voice their concerns. “This is just another way to monetize the American dream,” said political analyst and part-time magician, David Copperfield. “Next, they’ll be selling ‘Trump Space Tickets’ for a one-way trip to Mars!”
As the launch date approaches, the Trump Gold Card Visa Program is expected to attract a wide array of applicants, from aspiring influencers to those simply looking for a way to avoid the DMV. “I’m just here for the golf,” said one hopeful applicant, who wished to remain anonymous but was wearing a bright orange suit.
So, mark your calendars, folks! The Trump Gold Card Visa Program is set to launch online soon, and who knows? You might just find yourself living the high life—complete with a gold card, a golf club membership, and a lifetime supply of questionable meat products.
