In a move that has left boaters, anglers, and meteorologists scratching their heads (and possibly their fishing poles), the Trump administration has announced sweeping budget cuts to ocean data collection. The decision, which has been described as “a real splash in the face” by local fishermen, has left many wondering how they’ll navigate the high seas without the guidance of reliable data.
“Without accurate ocean data, I might as well be using a Magic 8-Ball to plan my fishing trips,” lamented Captain Salty McFishface, a local charter boat captain. “I mean, I can’t just throw a line in and hope for the best! What’s next? Are we going to start using horoscopes to predict the weather?”
The cuts have also left meteorologists in a tizzy. “I used to rely on ocean data to predict storms,” said Dr. Sandy Shores, a self-proclaimed “ocean whisperer.” “Now I’m just going to have to guess. I mean, I could always consult my pet goldfish, but I’m not sure he’s qualified.”
In a press conference, former President Trump defended the cuts, stating, “We’re making America float again! Who needs data when you have gut feelings? My gut says the ocean is just fine. It’s like a big swimming pool, folks!”
Meanwhile, local anglers have taken to social media to express their outrage. “I can’t believe they’re cutting ocean data! What’s next? Are they going to cut the number of fish in the ocean too?” tweeted Bob “The Bait” Johnson, who has been fishing for over 30 years. “I mean, I can’t just go out there and hope for the best! I need to know where the fish are hiding!”
As the cuts take effect, boaters are left to navigate the waters with nothing but their instincts and a questionable sense of direction. “I guess we’ll just have to rely on the old-fashioned method of following the seagulls,” said Captain McFishface. “Or maybe we’ll just start asking the fish where they’re hiding. I hear they’re pretty chatty this time of year.”
In the end, it seems that the only thing certain about the future of ocean data is that it’s going to be a bumpy ride—unless, of course, you’re willing to take your chances with a Magic 8-Ball.
