**Trump Administration Settles with Ashli Babbitt’s Family for $5 Million: A Deal So Good, Even the Ghost of Abraham Lincoln is Jealous!**
In a move that has left political analysts scratching their heads and conspiracy theorists high-fiving in their mom’s basements, the Trump Administration has reportedly settled with the family of Ashli Babbitt for a whopping $5 million. Yes, you read that right—$5 million! That’s enough to buy a small island or at least a lifetime supply of MAGA hats.
Sources close to the deal, who wish to remain anonymous but are definitely not just my neighbor’s cat, say that the settlement was reached after a heated negotiation that involved a lot of shouting, a few poorly drawn stick figures, and a game of rock-paper-scissors. “We wanted to make sure everyone was happy,” said former White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany, who was seen practicing her poker face in the corner. “And by everyone, I mean the Trump family, the Babbitts, and of course, my Instagram followers.”
In a bizarre twist, the settlement also includes a lifetime supply of Trump-branded toilet paper, which is said to be “soft enough for your bottom, but tough enough for the swamp.” Babbitt’s uncle, Chuck “The Negotiator” Babbitt, commented, “I never thought I’d see the day when my family would be paid in toilet paper. But hey, at least it’s not the kind that says ‘Made in China’!”
Meanwhile, Trump himself took to Truth Social to express his excitement. “This is a tremendous deal, folks. I mean, who wouldn’t want to settle for $5 million? I once settled for a half-eaten sandwich at a diner, and it was the best decision I ever made!”
As the dust settles on this unprecedented agreement, one thing is clear: in the world of politics, anything can happen. And if you’re lucky, you might just walk away with a few million bucks and a lifetime supply of toilet paper. Now that’s what we call a win-win!
