**Trump Administration Seeks to Reduce Federal Contracts for Harvard: A Harvard-Sized Headache for the Ivy League**
In a move that has left the academic world scratching its collective head, the Trump Administration announced plans to reduce federal contracts for Harvard University, citing the need to “make Harvard great again.” The decision comes after a series of tweets from the former president, who claimed that “Harvard is just a fancy place for people to learn how to be elitist and drink overpriced coffee.”
“Why should we fund a place where they teach you how to pronounce ‘quinoa’?” Trump reportedly said during a press briefing, while holding a cup of instant coffee. “I mean, I can’t even spell it!”
The administration’s plan has sparked outrage among Harvard students, who are now worried they might have to resort to using their degrees for actual jobs. “I was hoping to become a professional philosopher,” said senior and self-proclaimed ‘future thought leader’ Chad McIntellectual. “But now I might have to work at a coffee shop. The horror!”
In response, Harvard’s president, Lawrence Bacow, issued a statement saying, “We are committed to excellence in education, even if that means teaching students how to make lattes instead of landing federal contracts.” He then added, “But seriously, we’re still going to charge you $60,000 a year for that latte-making class.”
Meanwhile, the administration has proposed a new initiative called “Operation: Make Harvard Pay,” which aims to replace federal contracts with a bake sale. “We’re confident that selling cookies and brownies will raise enough money to keep the lights on at Harvard,” said Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos, who was last seen trying to sell a box of stale cookies outside the White House.
As the dust settles, one thing is clear: the Trump Administration’s plan to reduce federal contracts for Harvard is just another chapter in the ongoing saga of “How to Make Higher Education Even More Confusing.” And if nothing else, it’s given us all a reason to laugh—because let’s face it, who doesn’t love a good cookie?
