**Trump Administration Implements Ongoing Student-Visa Vetting Process: “We’re Not Just Checking Grades!”**
In a move that has left educators scratching their heads and students Googling “how to fake a diploma,” the Trump Administration has announced an ongoing student-visa vetting process that promises to be as rigorous as a final exam in quantum physics. The new policy, dubbed “Operation: No More Foreigners with Better Grades,” aims to ensure that only the most “American” of students can study in the U.S.
“Look, we’re not just checking grades,” said Secretary of Education Betsy DeVoss, who was last seen trying to figure out how to spell “education.” “We’re also looking at their social media accounts, their favorite pizza toppings, and whether they can name all the Kardashians in order of their birth. If they can’t, they’re out!”
The vetting process includes a 12-hour exam on American pop culture, a mandatory essay on why pineapple does not belong on pizza, and an interview where applicants must convince a panel of judges that they can recite the Pledge of Allegiance backward while doing the Macarena.
“I thought I was just coming to study biology,” said international student and aspiring biologist, Juan “Not a Spy” Rodriguez. “Now I have to explain why I prefer tacos over hamburgers. It’s a nightmare!”
In a shocking twist, the administration has also announced that any student who fails to impress will be sent to a “re-education camp” where they will be forced to watch endless reruns of “Duck Dynasty” until they can recite the entire series’ plotline.
“America is the land of opportunity,” said Trump himself during a press conference, “but only if you can prove you’re not smarter than me. That’s the real test!”
As the vetting process rolls out, students everywhere are left wondering: will they need to bring their own red, white, and blue capes to their interviews? Only time will tell, but one thing is for sure—if you’re not ready to defend your love for apple pie, you might as well pack your bags!
