**Trump Administration Accuses Columbia of Violating Jewish Students’ Civil Rights: A Comedy of Errors**
In a shocking turn of events that has left the nation scratching its head and laughing uncontrollably, the Trump Administration has officially accused Columbia University of violating the civil rights of Jewish students. The accusation came after a group of students reported that their bagels were not toasted to perfection in the campus dining hall, a clear violation of the “Bagel Rights Amendment” that the administration claims to have invented last Tuesday.
“Bagels are a fundamental part of Jewish culture,” declared former President Trump in a press conference held in front of a giant inflatable menorah. “If Columbia can’t toast a bagel, how can they toast the future of our great nation? It’s a disgrace!”
The administration’s complaint was filed by none other than Jared Kushner, who, in a rare moment of seriousness, stated, “I’ve seen better bagels in a New Jersey gas station. This is an affront to Jewish students everywhere. They deserve better!”
Meanwhile, Columbia’s response was as swift as it was bewildering. University President Lee Bollinger announced a new initiative called “Operation Toast,” which aims to ensure that every bagel is toasted to a golden brown. “We take this matter very seriously,” Bollinger said, while holding up a bagel that looked suspiciously like a hockey puck. “We will not rest until every Jewish student can enjoy a properly toasted bagel, or at least until we can find a toaster that works.”
In a bizarre twist, the administration also suggested that Columbia should replace its current mascot, the lion, with a giant bagel to better represent the student body. “Imagine the pride of walking into a game and seeing a 20-foot bagel on the field,” said student activist Sarah “Bagel Queen” Goldstein. “It would be a game-changer!”
As the nation watches this absurd saga unfold, one thing is clear: when it comes to bagels, the Trump Administration is ready to fight tooth and nail—or should we say, cream cheese and lox?
