**Texas Man Sentenced to Death for 2012 Store Robbery Resulting in Elderly Clerk’s Fatal Burning: A Cautionary Tale of Bad Decisions and Worse Timing**
In a plot twist that could only be scripted by a particularly unhinged screenwriter, a Texas man has been sentenced to death for a 2012 store robbery that ended with an elderly clerk’s unfortunate encounter with a flaming bag of nacho cheese. Yes, you read that right—nacho cheese.
The man, identified as “Flamin’” Joe McGriddle, 34, was found guilty of attempting to rob a convenience store while simultaneously trying to impress his date, who was reportedly “not that into him” and “really just wanted a Slurpee.” Witnesses claim that McGriddle entered the store yelling, “This is a stick-up! And I’m also really good at juggling!” before accidentally igniting a canister of nacho cheese with a rogue firework he had saved from last Fourth of July.
“I thought it was just a regular robbery,” said store owner Betty “The Blaze” Thompson, 78, who was unfortunately caught in the crossfire. “But then I saw the nacho cheese and thought, ‘Well, this is going to be a cheesy situation!’”
In a bizarre twist of fate, McGriddle’s defense attorney, “Slick” Rick McFumble, argued that his client was merely trying to “spice up the robbery” and that the elderly clerk “should have known better than to work in a convenience store with nacho cheese.”
As McGriddle awaits his fate on death row, he remains optimistic. “At least I’ll get three meals a day and a roof over my head,” he said, while practicing his juggling skills with a couple of oranges. “And who knows? Maybe I’ll get a Netflix deal out of this!”
In the end, this tragic tale serves as a reminder: if you’re going to rob a store, maybe leave the nacho cheese at home. Or at least bring a fire extinguisher.
