**Texas Faces Record-Breaking Heat as May Heat Wave Reaches Its Peak: Residents Consider Moving to Antarctica**
In a shocking turn of events, Texas has officially declared May as the hottest month in recorded history, surpassing even the fiery depths of the sun. As temperatures soar to a blistering 120 degrees, residents are reportedly considering relocating to Antarctica, where they hear the penguins throw the best ice parties.
Local resident and self-proclaimed “Heat Survivor,” Bubba McSweat, was seen attempting to fry an egg on his car hood. “I thought it was a myth, but I’m telling you, it’s like a breakfast buffet out here!” he exclaimed, while simultaneously applying sunscreen to his eyeballs. “I’m just trying to avoid becoming a human pancake!”
Meanwhile, the Texas Department of Weather (TDW) has issued a statement urging residents to stay indoors, drink plenty of fluids, and avoid any unnecessary movement—unless, of course, it’s to the nearest ice cream truck. “We recommend a strict regimen of air conditioning and popsicles,” said TDW spokesperson, Rita Chill. “If you see your neighbor outside, please remind them that they are not a lizard and should not be sunbathing.”
In a bizarre twist, local businesses have begun offering “Heat Wave Specials.” One enterprising Texan, known only as “Cool Breeze,” has started a new trend of selling frozen margaritas in kiddie pools. “It’s like a party and a cooling system all in one!” he said, while lounging in a pool filled with ice and regret.
As the heat wave continues to rise, experts predict that Texans will soon be trading in their cowboy boots for flip-flops and sunscreen. “At this point, I’m just waiting for the state to officially change its name to ‘Tex-Heat,’” quipped local comedian, Sunny Sideup. “I mean, we’re practically cooking out here!”
So, if you’re in Texas, remember: stay cool, stay hydrated, and for the love of all that is holy, don’t forget to check on your neighbors—especially if they’re trying to grill a steak on the sidewalk.
