**Teen Arrested After Mall Shooting in Connecticut Leaves Five Injured: A Comedy of Errors**
In a shocking turn of events that could only happen in a poorly scripted sitcom, a teen was arrested after a mall shooting in Connecticut left five people injured, all of whom were apparently just trying to enjoy a peaceful day of shopping and sampling pretzels. Witnesses reported that the chaos began when 17-year-old Chad “The Human Firework” Thompson mistook a “No Running” sign for a personal challenge.
“I was just trying to get to the food court before they ran out of those giant cinnamon rolls,” said local shopper Betty Lou, who was one of the injured. “I didn’t think I’d need a bulletproof vest for a Cinnabon run!”
According to police reports, Chad was attempting to impress his friends by reenacting scenes from his favorite action movie, “Die Hard 12: The Mall Strikes Back.” “I thought it was just a prop gun!” Chad exclaimed while being led away in handcuffs. “I mean, it was black and shiny, just like my mom’s minivan!”
The mall’s security footage revealed that the only thing more chaotic than Chad’s aim was his choice of attire. “He was wearing Crocs and socks,” said Officer Mike “The Fashion Police” Johnson. “I mean, if you’re going to commit a crime, at least do it in style!”
As for the five injured shoppers, they were treated for minor injuries and a severe case of embarrassment. “I just wanted to buy some new shoes,” said one victim, who wished to remain anonymous. “Now I’m going to have to explain to my friends why I was shot at a mall. I can’t even!”
In a bizarre twist, the mall has decided to host a “Chad’s Day Out” event next weekend, where shoppers can enjoy discounts on Crocs and participate in a “Run, Don’t Walk” race. “We’re just trying to make the best of a bad situation,” said mall manager Linda “The Optimist” Green. “And who doesn’t love a good cinnamon roll?”
As for Chad, he’s currently awaiting trial, where he plans to argue that he was just trying to “bring a little excitement to the mall.” We can only hope he doesn’t try to reenact any more action scenes—especially if they involve Crocs.
