**Surge in Antisemitic Incidents: Boulder Terror Attack Highlights Growing Concern in 2025**
In a shocking turn of events that has left the nation scratching its collective head, Boulder, Colorado, recently experienced a surge in antisemitic incidents, culminating in a bizarre terror attack that involved a rogue bagel shop and a very confused rabbi. The attack, which authorities are calling “The Great Lox Heist,” has sparked a national conversation about the rising tide of antisemitism, or as local conspiracy theorist and self-proclaimed “Bagelologist” Morty Schwartz put it, “It’s like the universe is trying to tell us something, and I think it’s ‘more cream cheese!’”
Witnesses reported that the assailants, dressed in what can only be described as “hipster chic,” stormed the local bagel shop, demanding “all the schmear” while simultaneously shouting, “We want to make bagels great again!” Local resident and part-time magician, David Copperfield (not that one), stated, “I thought they were just performing a trick. I mean, who robs a bagel shop? It’s like robbing a library for overdue fines!”
In the aftermath, Boulder’s mayor, who goes by the name of “Mayor Bagelstein,” held a press conference where he declared, “We will not let this doughy darkness overshadow our city! We will rise like a perfectly baked challah!” He then proceeded to juggle bagels while reciting the Torah, leaving everyone both confused and mildly entertained.
As the nation grapples with this alarming trend, experts are weighing in. Dr. Ima Kidding, a leading sociologist, noted, “Antisemitism is like a bad haircut; it keeps coming back no matter how many times you try to fix it. But let’s be honest, who doesn’t love a good bagel?”
In a surprising twist, the Boulder Bagel Association has announced a new initiative called “Bagels for Peace,” where every bagel purchased will fund a seminar on tolerance, complete with free cream cheese. “We’re just trying to spread love, one bagel at a time,” said the association’s president, a cat named Mr. Whiskers, who was elected after a particularly heated debate over the best bagel toppings.
As the dust settles on this bizarre incident, one thing is clear: Boulder is not just a city of mountains and hippies; it’s also a city that knows how to rise to the occasion—especially when it involves bagels.
