**Supreme Court Declines to Review Maryland’s Assault Weapons Ban: A Victory for Squirrels and Other Small Animals**
In a landmark decision that has left gun enthusiasts scratching their heads and squirrels high-fiving in the trees, the Supreme Court has officially declined to review Maryland’s Assault Weapons Ban. This decision has sparked a wave of joy among the state’s furry residents, who are now free to frolic without the fear of being caught in the crossfire of a squirrel-sized AR-15.
Justice Clarence Thomas, known for his love of all things controversial, reportedly said, “I just can’t see why anyone needs an assault weapon to hunt for nuts. I mean, have you seen how fast those little guys can run?” Meanwhile, Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, who was spotted in a Maryland park with a “Squirrels for Peace” t-shirt, added, “This is a win for all creatures great and small. Except for raccoons. They’re still on my list.”
Maryland Governor Larry Hogan, who was busy trying to figure out how to pronounce “assault weapon” without sounding like a confused toddler, stated, “This ban is like putting a ‘No Diving’ sign at a kiddie pool. It’s just common sense!” He then proceeded to dive into a kiddie pool filled with marshmallows, declaring it a “new form of therapy.”
In a surprising twist, local gun shop owner Chuck “The Trigger” Thompson expressed his disappointment by saying, “I was really hoping to sell my new line of ‘Assault Water Guns’ this summer. They shoot water at 100 miles per hour! But now, I guess I’ll just have to stick to selling Nerf guns and dreams.”
As Maryland celebrates this victory for peace and tranquility, the state’s squirrels are reportedly planning a parade, complete with tiny floats and acorn confetti. “We’re just happy to be able to enjoy our nuts in peace,” said one particularly plump squirrel named Nutty McNutface. “And if anyone tries to ruin our fun, we’ll unleash our secret weapon: the dreaded ‘Squirrel Stare.’”
So, as the dust settles on this monumental decision, one thing is clear: Maryland’s squirrels are now the true rulers of the state, and they’re armed with nothing but acorns and an insatiable desire for freedom.
