**Subway Owner Roark Capital Acquires Dave’s Hot Chicken for $1 Billion: The Spicy Deal of the Century!**
In a move that has left the culinary world both baffled and mildly amused, Roark Capital, the proud owner of Subway, has announced its acquisition of Dave’s Hot Chicken for a staggering $1 billion. Yes, you read that right—$1 billion for a restaurant that specializes in chicken so spicy it could make a dragon weep.
“We’re thrilled to add Dave’s Hot Chicken to our portfolio,” said Roark Capital CEO, Chuck “The Spice” McFlame. “We believe that combining the world’s most famous footlong with the world’s hottest chicken will create a culinary experience that will leave customers both confused and mildly burned.”
The deal comes on the heels of Subway’s recent attempts to revamp its image, which included a failed campaign to introduce a “Subway Footlong Chicken Sandwich” that was, ironically, just a regular chicken sandwich. “We thought we could just slap ‘Subway’ on it and call it a day,” said marketing director, Linda “The Sub” Sandwich. “Turns out, people want more than just a name.”
In a press conference that was more like a comedy roast, Dave’s Hot Chicken co-founder, Dave “The Heat” Anderson, expressed his excitement. “I can’t wait to see our chicken served on a footlong bun! Finally, my dreams of a chicken sandwich that requires a seatbelt are coming true!”
Industry experts are already predicting a new menu item: the “Subway Spicy Chicken Footlong,” which will reportedly come with a complimentary fire extinguisher. “We’re just trying to keep it safe,” said McFlame, “and maybe throw in a side of ice cream for those who can’t handle the heat.”
As the world waits with bated breath (and perhaps a gallon of milk), one thing is clear: this acquisition is bound to be a recipe for hilarity, heartburn, and possibly a new reality show titled “Hot Chicken, Cold Feet.” Stay tuned!
