**Stephen Hayes Dacus Appointed as First Foreign CEO of 7-Eleven Japan: A New Era of Slurpees and Sushi Rolls**
In a groundbreaking move that has left the world scratching its head and wondering if they accidentally clicked on a parody site, 7-Eleven Japan has appointed Stephen Hayes Dacus as its first foreign CEO. Dacus, a self-proclaimed “Slurpee Sommelier” from Des Moines, Iowa, is set to revolutionize the convenience store experience by introducing a range of bizarre new products, including “Sushi Slurpees” and “Bento Box Big Gulps.”
“I’m just here to make convenience more convenient,” Dacus declared at his inaugural press conference, while wearing a kimono and a baseball cap that read “I <3 Convenience.” “Why not combine the best of both worlds? Who wouldn’t want to wash down their spicy tuna roll with a refreshing cherry Slurpee?”
Industry experts are both excited and confused. “This is a bold move,” said Dr. Yoko Sushimoto, a convenience store analyst at the Tokyo Institute of Snackology. “But I’m not sure if the Japanese are ready for a ‘Sushi Slurpee.’ I mean, what’s next? Ramen-flavored donuts?”
Dacus has also promised to introduce a new loyalty program called “7-Eleven Forever,” which rewards customers with points for every 7-Eleven purchase, redeemable for a chance to win a lifetime supply of hot dogs. “It’s a win-win,” he said, “because who doesn’t want to eat a hot dog every day for the rest of their life?”
Critics have raised eyebrows at Dacus’s plans, with one anonymous source stating, “This is like letting a toddler run a candy store. It’s either going to be a huge success or a complete disaster. Either way, I’m buying a ticket to the show.”
As Dacus prepares to take the helm, one thing is for sure: 7-Eleven Japan is about to get a whole lot weirder. And if you’re lucky, you might just find yourself sipping on a Wasabi Watermelon Slurpee while munching on a Teriyaki Twinkie. Welcome to the future of convenience!
