**South Dakota Tribe Issues State of Emergency Amid Rising Crime Rates: Local Residents Blame “Too Much Free Wi-Fi”**
In a shocking turn of events, the Lakota Tribe of South Dakota has declared a state of emergency due to rising crime rates, which they attribute to an unexpected culprit: free Wi-Fi. “Ever since we installed that high-speed internet, it’s like the Wild West out here,” said Chief Running Bear, who is now considering a career as a tech support specialist. “I mean, who knew that streaming cat videos could lead to a spike in crime?”
Local residents have reported a surge in bizarre criminal activities, including the theft of lawn flamingos and an alarming increase in “drive-by karaoke” incidents. “I was just minding my own business when a group of teenagers rolled by blasting ‘I Will Survive’ at full volume,” said Betty Lou, a local grandma who now carries a spatula for self-defense. “I thought I was going to have to call the cops, but then I realized I was just really impressed.”
In response to the chaos, the tribe has implemented a series of new laws, including a ban on all karaoke machines and a mandatory “no pants” policy for anyone caught stealing garden gnomes. “We’re just trying to keep things civilized,” said Deputy Chief Dancing Cloud. “If you’re going to commit a crime, at least do it in style.”
Meanwhile, local law enforcement is scrambling to keep up with the rising tide of absurdity. “We’ve had more calls about stolen Wi-Fi passwords than actual crimes,” said Sheriff Bob “The Wi-Fi Whisperer” Johnson. “I never thought I’d see the day when a stolen router would be the top priority.”
As the tribe navigates this new era of crime, one thing is clear: South Dakota is officially the place where crime meets comedy, and the only thing more dangerous than a thief is a teenager with a smartphone.
