**South Carolina Inmate Chooses Lethal Injection Over Firing Squad: “I’m Just Not a Fan of Bullets”**
In a shocking turn of events that has left the nation scratching its collective head, South Carolina inmate Billy “The Bullet Dodger” Thompson has opted for lethal injection over the firing squad, citing concerns about “the whole bullet thing.”
“I mean, have you seen those guys shoot?” Thompson quipped during a press conference held in the prison yard. “I’d rather take my chances with a needle than risk being the next contestant on ‘Who Wants to Be a Target?’”
Thompson, who was sentenced to death for a series of unfortunate events involving a rubber chicken and a karaoke machine, expressed his preference for a more “civilized” method of execution. “Lethal injection is like a spa day compared to the firing squad. At least with the needle, I can pretend I’m just getting a flu shot,” he added, while casually flipping through a magazine titled *Needles & Knives: The Art of Execution*.
In a bizarre twist, the firing squad has reportedly taken offense to Thompson’s comments. “We’re professionals!” exclaimed Sergeant Buck “Deadeye” McGraw, leader of the firing squad. “We’ve been practicing our aim for years! Just last week, we hit a watermelon from 200 yards. That’s not just good shooting; that’s art!”
Meanwhile, prison officials are scrambling to accommodate Thompson’s request. “We’re just glad he didn’t ask for a guillotine or something,” said Warden Linda “Chop Chop” Johnson. “We don’t have the budget for that kind of equipment. Plus, it’s hard to find a good executioner these days.”
As the debate rages on, Thompson remains unfazed. “At the end of the day, I just want to go out with a little dignity,” he said, adjusting his prison jumpsuit. “And if that means a little cocktail of chemicals instead of a firing squad, then so be it. Just don’t forget the cherry on top!”
In a world where choices are often limited, Thompson has made his stance clear: when it comes to life and death, he’s all about the needle, not the bullets.
