**South Carolina Death Row Inmate Offers to Volunteer for Execution Following Friends’ Deaths: “I Just Want to Get Out of Here!”**
In a shocking turn of events that has left both prison officials and the general public scratching their heads, South Carolina death row inmate Billy “The Human Firecracker” Thompson has offered to volunteer for his own execution following the untimely deaths of several of his friends. “I mean, what’s the point of hanging around here?” Thompson quipped during a press conference held in the prison yard, where he was surrounded by a gaggle of confused reporters and a stray cat that seemed to have wandered in from the nearby dumpster.
Thompson, who is serving a life sentence for a series of unfortunate events involving a trampoline, a can of whipped cream, and a very angry goat, stated, “I’ve lost my whole crew. If I can’t party with my pals, I might as well throw myself a one-man farewell fiesta. I’ll even bring the snacks!”
His friends, who were reportedly “living their best lives” until they met their untimely demises in a bizarre hot air balloon accident, were described by Thompson as “the real MVPs of my life.” He added, “If I can’t join them in the afterlife, I might as well get a head start. Plus, I hear the food is better up there.”
Prison officials are reportedly baffled by Thompson’s offer. Warden Gerald “The Grumpy” McAllister stated, “We’ve had inmates ask for early releases, but this is a first. I mean, who volunteers for their own execution? It’s like asking to be the designated driver at a funeral.”
In a surprising twist, Thompson’s proposal has sparked a new trend among death row inmates. Fellow inmate and self-proclaimed “Execution Enthusiast” Larry “The Last Laugh” Jenkins has also expressed interest in joining the volunteer program. “I just want to make sure I go out with a bang, not a whimper,” Jenkins said, while practicing his best dramatic death scene for the cameras.
As the debate rages on, one thing is clear: South Carolina’s death row is about to get a lot more interesting. And if Thompson has his way, it might just turn into the hottest ticket in town—complete with popcorn and a live band.
