**Six More States to Prohibit Soda and Junk Food Purchases with Food Stamps, Says Trump’s Agriculture Secretary**
In a bold move that has left the nation both bewildered and slightly amused, Trump’s Agriculture Secretary, Cornelius “Corny” McGriddle, announced that six more states will soon prohibit the purchase of soda and junk food with food stamps. “We’re just trying to help people make healthier choices,” McGriddle declared while sipping a Mountain Dew and munching on a Twinkie. “I mean, who needs a balanced diet when you can have a balanced budget?”
The states in question—Alabama, Arkansas, Idaho, Kentucky, Mississippi, and New Jersey—are set to join the ranks of those already enforcing similar bans. “We’re calling it the ‘Snackless States Initiative,’” McGriddle explained. “Because nothing says ‘freedom’ like being unable to buy a bag of Doritos with your EBT card.”
Local residents have mixed feelings about the announcement. “I’m all for healthy eating,” said local potato chip enthusiast Betty “Chips” McCrunch. “But if I can’t buy my Cheetos with food stamps, what’s next? Banning pizza?!” Meanwhile, self-proclaimed health guru and part-time motivational speaker, Kale Greenleaf, chimed in, “This is a great step! If we can’t have junk food, we’ll just have to eat kale chips. And if you think those taste good, you clearly haven’t tried them with ranch dressing!”
Critics of the initiative argue that it’s a slippery slope. “First, they take away our soda, then they’ll come for our ice cream,” warned local conspiracy theorist, Barry “The Brain” Bananapants. “Next thing you know, they’ll be telling us we can’t buy bacon with food stamps. And that’s where I draw the line!”
As the Snackless States Initiative rolls out, one thing is clear: America’s love affair with junk food is far from over. “I’ll just find a way to buy my snacks,” said one resourceful resident, who wished to remain anonymous. “I mean, have you ever tried to sneak a six-pack of soda into a grocery cart full of broccoli? It’s like a game of Tetris!”
So, as we brace ourselves for a future of kale chips and carrot sticks, let’s raise a soda (while we still can) to the Snackless States Initiative—because nothing says “healthy living” quite like a government mandate!
