New Orleans, LA – In a shocking turn of events that has left local authorities scratching their heads and the public chuckling, seven inmates from the New Orleans Correctional Facility have successfully escaped and are now believed to be living their best lives somewhere between the French Quarter and a local all-you-can-eat buffet.
The search, which has now entered its third day, has been described by Sheriff Bob “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter” McGee as “a little more complicated than we anticipated.” He added, “We thought we had a solid plan, but apparently, our inmates are better at hide-and-seek than we are at law enforcement.”
Eyewitness reports suggest that the inmates, who include notorious escape artist “Slick” Johnson and self-proclaimed “King of the Couch” Larry “The Lizard” Thompson, were last seen attempting to blend in with a group of tourists. “They were wearing Hawaiian shirts and sunglasses,” said local resident and part-time fortune teller, Madame Zora. “I thought they were just really committed to their vacation.”
Authorities have deployed a variety of tactics to locate the fugitives, including a highly sophisticated drone equipped with a karaoke machine, hoping to lure them out with the sweet sounds of “Sweet Home Alabama.” “We figured if they’re going to run, they might as well do it to a catchy tune,” said Deputy Sheriff Carla “The Karaoke Queen” Rodriguez.
Meanwhile, local businesses are cashing in on the chaos. “We’re offering a ‘Catch an Inmate’ discount,” said Benny’s Bar & Grill owner, Benny “The Bait” Boudreaux. “If you bring in a fugitive, you get a free po’ boy. It’s a win-win!”
As the search continues, the inmates remain at large, reportedly enjoying a life of leisure. “I’m just trying to find the best gumbo in town,” said “Slick” Johnson in a statement released via carrier pigeon. “I mean, what’s the point of escaping if you can’t enjoy the local cuisine?”
Authorities are urging the public to remain vigilant and report any suspicious activity, especially if it involves a group of men in Hawaiian shirts arguing over the best beignets. In the meantime, the search for the seven escapees continues, with hopes that they’ll soon be back behind bars—preferably with a side of jambalaya.
