**Salmonella Outbreak Grows as Recalled Cucumbers Make Dozens Ill: A Crunchy Catastrophe**
In a shocking turn of events that has left salad lovers reeling, a recent salmonella outbreak has been traced back to recalled cucumbers, sending dozens of unsuspecting consumers to the bathroom faster than you can say “E. coli.” The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) has issued a warning, advising the public to avoid cucumbers unless they come with a side of “guaranteed not to make you regret your life choices.”
Local resident and self-proclaimed cucumber enthusiast, Bob “The Pickle” Johnson, expressed his dismay: “I thought I was just getting a healthy snack! Now I’m stuck in the bathroom contemplating my life decisions. I should have just gone for the potato chips!”
The outbreak has reportedly affected over 50 people, with symptoms ranging from mild discomfort to full-blown existential crises. “I never thought I’d be questioning my relationship with vegetables,” lamented local vegan activist, Greta Greenleaf. “I mean, I was just trying to save the planet, one cucumber at a time!”
In a bizarre twist, the cucumbers in question have taken on a life of their own, with one particularly rebellious cucumber, dubbed “Cukezilla,” reportedly escaping from a grocery store and leading a band of rogue vegetables in a quest for freedom. “We just wanted to be more than salad toppings!” Cukezilla shouted in a press conference held in a nearby farmer’s market. “We demand to be recognized as the main course!”
As the outbreak continues to grow, health officials are urging consumers to stick to safer alternatives, like kale or, for the truly adventurous, the elusive and mysterious “non-recalled” cucumber. “We’re not saying cucumbers are bad,” said CDC spokesperson Dr. Sal Monella. “We’re just saying that if you see a cucumber wearing sunglasses and a Hawaiian shirt, it’s probably best to steer clear.”
In the meantime, the nation holds its breath, waiting for the next vegetable-related crisis. Will it be a rogue tomato? A rebellious carrot? Only time will tell, but one thing is for sure: the salad bar will never be the same again.
