In an unexpected turn of events, Russia and Ukraine have officially agreed to a peace deal—under one, utterly bizarre condition: a 3-way boxing match between Russian President Vladimir Putin, Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy, and controversial YouTube star-turned-boxer Jake Paul. The event will be streamed live on Netflix, who claims that their live streaming service is better than the last fight they hosted, between Jake Paul and Mike Tyson.
Jake Paul
The peace deal, brokered by an anonymous figure who may or may not be a disgruntled game show host, stipulates that if Putin and Zelenskyy can last three rounds with the self-proclaimed “best boxer of all time,” Jake Paul, a full ceasefire will commence immediately, and Russia will receive a $20 million payout—presumably to pay for their next round of military tanks or maybe a nice vacation to Bali.
Putin
“I think it’s obtainable,” said Putin, adjusting his MMA gloves while speaking at a press conference held at a Russian McDonald’s (they’ve still got them, folks). “Jake Paul is strong, but not stronger than me—if he were, I’d eat him raw. I’ve faced tougher opponents, like a bear on a unicycle, and let’s not forget my world-famous judo skills.” Putin continued to demonstrate a series of mysterious moves, which he called “advanced combat techniques,” but resembled something more akin to an awkward dad dance at a wedding. “If I don’t win, I will nuke Ukraine until they glow.”
Zelenskyy
Ukrainian President, on the other hand, expressed his excitement about the upcoming match, albeit with some reservations. “I mean, I’ve been to the front lines, so I’m no stranger to a good fight. But this? This is absurd. A boxing match with Jake Paul?” Zelenskyy said, sipping from a cup of espresso. “Well, if this ends the war, I’ll give it my all. Besides, I’ve always wanted to see Putin tap out live. I just hope they let me wear my comedy sketch costume, for the theatrics.”
The international community has given their support to the event, with many countries offering to pay for the Netflix subscription fees of citizens in need of entertainment. The UN is apparently all in, with one diplomat quoting, “If this is what it takes for world peace, who are we to argue? Jake Paul, Putin, and Zelenskyy? That’s a combination no one expected, except maybe in a fever dream after too many tequila shots.”
The match is expected to be a spectacle of epic proportions, featuring a ring surrounded by top-tier security, and possibly a trampoline for added drama. Commentary will be provided by none other than Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson and Tony Hawk, who promised they would keep things “breezy” and “rad.”
“We have everything ready,” said a Netflix spokesperson. “The cameras are rolling, the popcorn’s popping, and Jake’s already planning his pre-match motivational video. It’s going to be the fight of the century, or at least a solid two hours of distraction from all the other global issues.”
Whether or not the peace talks will result in lasting change remains to be seen, but one thing is for sure: this is definitely the most bizarre peace deal the world has ever witnessed. Tune in December 3 to see who lands the hardest punch—on the world stage, and on the internet’s collective sanity.
