**Rising Cancer Rates Before 50: A Study on Affected Types – And Why You Should Blame Your Wi-Fi**
In a shocking new study that has left scientists scratching their heads and conspiracy theorists rubbing their hands with glee, researchers have discovered that cancer rates among those under 50 are rising faster than a cat meme going viral. The study, conducted by the prestigious Institute of Totally Real Science (ITRS), found that the most affected types of cancer include “Wi-Fi-Related Tumors” and “Netflix Binge-Induced Melanomas.”
Dr. Ima Quack, lead researcher at ITRS, stated, “We were surprised to find that the most common cancer among millennials is actually ‘Couch Potato Syndrome,’ which is not a cancer but definitely feels like one after a 12-hour binge of *The Office*.”
The study also revealed that the rise in cancer rates correlates directly with the increase in avocado toast consumption. “It’s simple math,” said local hipster and avocado enthusiast, Chad “The Toastmaster” McGuacamole. “More toast equals more cancer. It’s science, man!”
In a bizarre twist, the study found that those who regularly use the phrase “I’m just here for the Wi-Fi” are 75% more likely to develop “Social Media Anxiety Tumors.” “I used to think it was just my phone giving me cancer,” said local influencer and self-proclaimed health guru, Bella Filter. “Turns out, it’s my entire lifestyle!”
As the world grapples with this alarming trend, experts recommend a radical lifestyle change: unplugging your Wi-Fi and replacing your avocado toast with good old-fashioned bread. “It’s either that or we all start wearing tinfoil hats,” Dr. Quack concluded, “and honestly, I’m not sure which is worse.”
So, folks, if you’re under 50, it might be time to reconsider that second helping of guacamole. Or at least switch to a less cancerous form of toast—like garlic bread. Because who doesn’t love a good garlic bread cancer scare?
