**RFK Jr’s HHS to Discontinue Standard COVID Vaccine Recommendations for Children and Pregnant Women: Report**
In a shocking twist that has left the medical community scratching their heads and the rest of us rolling on the floor, the Health and Human Services (HHS) under the leadership of Robert F. Kennedy Jr. has announced it will discontinue standard COVID vaccine recommendations for children and pregnant women. Yes, you heard that right! Apparently, the new motto is “Why vaccinate when you can speculate?”
In a press conference that was more circus than science, RFK Jr. declared, “We believe in the power of natural immunity, which is why we’re encouraging children to build their defenses by licking doorknobs and sharing half-eaten snacks.” He then added, “And let’s be honest, who needs vaccines when you can just have a good old-fashioned game of dodgeball with a virus?”
Dr. Ima Quack, a self-proclaimed “health guru” and part-time fortune teller, chimed in, “Vaccines are so last season. I recommend a daily dose of essential oils and a sprinkle of good vibes. If that doesn’t work, just blame it on the Wi-Fi.”
Meanwhile, parents across the nation are reportedly thrilled with the news. “Finally, I can stop pretending to understand medical jargon and just let my kids play in the mud!” exclaimed local mom, Karen “I’m Not a Doctor” Smith. “I mean, what’s the worst that could happen? They might just develop superpowers!”
As for pregnant women, the new guidelines suggest they should consider “alternative methods” of protection, such as wearing garlic necklaces and chanting “Om” while standing on one leg. “It’s all about balance,” said Dr. Quack, who also recommends a diet consisting solely of kale and existential dread.
In a final twist, RFK Jr. announced plans for a new reality show titled “Survivor: Vaccine Edition,” where contestants will compete to see who can avoid vaccines the longest while living in a bubble made of organic cotton. “It’s going to be a hit!” he proclaimed, as he high-fived a nearby tree.
So, as we navigate this brave new world of health recommendations, remember: when in doubt, just lick a doorknob and hope for the best!
