**Rabbi Criticizes DC’s Response to Antisemitism After Attack Outside Israeli Embassy: “I Thought We Were Just Playing Dodgeball!”**
In a shocking turn of events, Rabbi Shlomo Goldstein, a local spiritual leader known for his uncanny ability to turn matzo into a full-course meal, has publicly criticized Washington D.C.’s response to a recent antisemitic attack outside the Israeli Embassy. “I mean, I’ve seen better responses from my grandmother when I tell her I’m going vegan,” Rabbi Goldstein quipped during a press conference held in front of a giant inflatable dreidel.
The incident occurred when a group of individuals, apparently mistaking the embassy for a local falafel stand, hurled insults and, oddly enough, bagels at the building. “I thought we were just playing dodgeball!” exclaimed Rabbi Goldstein, who was on his way to pick up some kugel when he stumbled upon the chaos. “If I had known it was a serious situation, I would have brought my rabbi-approved dodgeball gear!”
In response to the attack, D.C. officials released a statement that read, “We are deeply concerned about the incident. We will be holding a meeting to discuss the possibility of holding another meeting.” This prompted Rabbi Goldstein to roll his eyes so hard they almost fell out. “I’ve seen more decisive action from my cat when I dangle a string in front of her,” he said, shaking his head.
Meanwhile, local resident and self-proclaimed “Bagel Enthusiast” Larry “The Lox” Schwartz chimed in, “I just don’t understand why they didn’t throw cream cheese instead. It’s way more effective!”
As the city continues to grapple with its response, Rabbi Goldstein has taken it upon himself to organize a “Bagels Against Bigotry” event, where participants will throw bagels at a giant inflatable caricature of antisemitism. “It’s like a piñata, but with more carbs and less chance of getting hit in the face,” he explained.
In the end, Rabbi Goldstein’s message was clear: “If we can’t laugh at ourselves, we might as well be throwing stale bagels at the problem. And trust me, nobody wants that!”
