**Pirates GM Ben Cherington Confirms Paul Skenes is Off the Trading Table: “He’s Our New Mascot!”**
In a shocking turn of events that has left baseball fans scratching their heads and wondering if they accidentally tuned into a soap opera, Pittsburgh Pirates General Manager Ben Cherington announced today that rookie sensation Paul Skenes is officially off the trading table. “We’ve decided to keep him,” Cherington declared, “not just as a player, but as our new mascot. We’re calling him ‘Skenes the Machine’—he’s got the arm of a cannon and the personality of a golden retriever!”
Cherington’s announcement came after a whirlwind of trade rumors that had Skenes being linked to teams as far away as the moon. “I heard the Yankees were offering us a lifetime supply of hot dogs and a signed picture of Derek Jeter,” said Cherington, “but we just couldn’t let him go. I mean, have you seen his hair? It’s like a golden halo of hope for our franchise!”
Fans were ecstatic, with one die-hard supporter, who goes by the name of “Captain Crunch,” stating, “I’d trade my entire collection of baseball cards for a chance to see Skenes pitch in a pirate hat! He’s the only thing keeping me from jumping ship!”
In a bizarre twist, Cherington also hinted at plans to incorporate Skenes into the team’s promotional events. “We’re thinking of a ‘Skenes and Beans’ night where fans can enjoy baked beans while watching him strike out batters. It’s a win-win!” he chuckled, adding, “And if he ever gets traded, we’ll just send him a postcard that says, ‘Wish you were here!’”
As the Pirates continue to navigate the choppy waters of the MLB, one thing is clear: Paul Skenes is here to stay, and he’s ready to lead the charge—preferably while wearing a pirate hat and juggling baseballs.
