**Boulder Terror Attack Suspect’s Vehicle Unveils Shocking Connection to USAID: “I Just Wanted to Deliver Some Paperwork!”**
In a plot twist that could only be scripted by a caffeine-fueled screenwriter, authorities have discovered paperwork linked to USAID in the vehicle of the Boulder terror attack suspect, who allegedly aimed to target a pro-Israel organization. The suspect, identified as 32-year-old Chad “The Paper Pusher” McGee, reportedly claimed he was just trying to “deliver some really important forms” when he accidentally drove into a crowd of confused pedestrians.
“I thought I was just dropping off some paperwork for a grant proposal,” McGee explained in a statement that left investigators scratching their heads. “I mean, who doesn’t love a good bureaucratic form? It’s like adult coloring books, but with more red tape!”
Witnesses reported that McGee was seen frantically shuffling through a stack of papers while yelling, “I’m just trying to help the world, one form at a time!” before his vehicle veered off course. “I thought he was auditioning for a role in a new action movie called ‘Bureaucracy Unleashed,’” said local resident and self-proclaimed film critic, Linda “The Armchair Director” Thompson.
In a bizarre twist, the paperwork was found to contain a mix of USAID forms, a pizza delivery receipt, and a handwritten note that read, “To whom it may concern: I’m really sorry about the whole ‘terror attack’ thing. Can we just call it a misunderstanding? Sincerely, Chad.”
Experts are baffled. “This is the first time I’ve seen paperwork used as a weapon,” said Dr. Phil McCracken, a leading authority on paperwork-related incidents. “Usually, it’s just used to bore people into submission.”
As the investigation continues, McGee remains in custody, reportedly trying to negotiate a plea deal involving a lifetime supply of staplers and a subscription to “Bureaucratic Monthly.” Meanwhile, pro-Israel organizations are left wondering if they should start hiring paperwork consultants for their security teams.
In the end, one thing is clear: when it comes to paperwork, McGee has taken “going postal” to a whole new level.
