In an unprecedented move that shocked the nation and left absolutely no one asking for it, President Joe Biden has granted a full pardon to his son Hunter Biden, officially declaring, “The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree… unless it’s got a parachute attached to it.” This decision comes amid swirling controversies, memes, and an endless stream of awkward family dinners where politics are definitely not the topic of conversation. But what does this mean for America? And more importantly, what does it mean for Joe’s chances of getting a “Number 1 Dad” coffee mug this year?
Son Hunter Playing Scrabble With Dad
In a press conference yesterday, President Biden gave a rambling and thoroughly confused speech that only cleared up a few things. “Hunter threatened to put me in a nursing home,” Biden confessed to the crowd, his voice quivering slightly. “But that was before I realized I have power to just, you know, pardon him. So, no nursing home, son. You’re free. Go do your thing.”
Biden’s statement was met with a chorus of cheers from a group of confused bystanders who had apparently just wandered in looking for free ice cream. Speaking of ice cream, the president also mentioned, “I was promised an endless supply of ice cream when I took office. They said it was part of the job. But I never got it. All I’ve been getting is extra family drama. So, here’s to hoping the pardon comes with a side of vanilla, at least.”
The official announcement came as part of what the White House is calling “A Father’s Day Gift.” In an exclusive interview with reporters, Joe was candid: “Look, it’s simple. It’s like giving your kid a toy for Christmas, except this one’s made of legal documents. It’s a father’s right to do whatever he wants when it comes to making sure his kid gets a second chance—especially when he promises to finally stop borrowing my golf clubs.”
Biden Pardons Son
When pressed further on why Hunter needed a pardon at all, Biden quipped, “Keep my son’s name out of your mouth.” He paused dramatically. “Keep my son’s name out of your mouth!”
Hunter, for his part, took the news with a mix of confusion and excitement. “I think I’m just happy I won’t have to get him a Father’s Day gift this year,” Hunter said. “That’s a win in my book. But, uh, I think I’ll get him the mug anyway. He really wants it.”
As the nation grapples with this historic pardon, experts remain baffled about its potential consequences. “It’s unclear how this will affect national security, foreign relations, or even the quality of presidential ice cream. But one thing is for sure—this family sure knows how to make headlines,” said one political analyst, while desperately trying to find a way to avoid Thanksgiving dinner at the Biden household.
President-Elect Donald Trump, in a recent statement, couldn’t hold back his thoughts on Joe Biden’s presidency. “Joe is a disaster. The guy’s judgment is all over the place. Just weeks ago, he had his little henchman trying to bring me down, left and right. So, honestly, I’ve got to say, ‘Thank you, Joey!’ You’ve really outdone yourself. You’ve set the bar for presidential pardons so high that I’m just going to pardon myself—and all of my children, from the moment we were born until the day I leave office. If you’re going to do a pardon, do it right, folks. My pardon will be the greatest in history. It’ll be bigger than Trump Tower… maybe we should consider changing the name of pardon to TrumpDon. Now, that has a nice ring to it! It’ll be magnificent. Beautiful, breath-takingly beautiful. I think I may TrumpDon everybody in my family, except that liberal niece of mine.”
