The Top 5 Box Office Sensations This Week: Pure Cinematic Gold (with a Side of Disaster)

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GM To Relocate Factories to Deep South – Cage Fight Will Determine Exact Location

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Biden Set To Be First US President To Open Presidential Ice Cream Parlor

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Mississippians and West Virginians Among Rank for First Place in Number Of Elf Replacements During Elf Union Strike

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Letter to the Editor: Toxic Maculinity Is Coming Back

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UFOs Spotted Over Roswell, NM: Alien Tourists or Just Really Bad Drones?

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The Top 5 Ways Humans Are Actually Cyborgs (And Don’t Know It Yet)

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Tooth Fairy Union Watching Elf Strike Closely, Fearing “Misinformation” Could Spread

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NFL Season 2024: A Complete, Utterly Senseless Breakdown of America’s Favorite Pastime

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Breaking News: US NFL Football Now Officially a “Full-Contact Quidditch League”

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Breaking: Elves Walk Off the Job As Santa Refuses to Bend to Union Request

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Elf Union Threatens Strike at North Pole, Citing “Years of Tyranny” Under Santa Claus

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