**NYPD Seeks Suspect in Assault on Off-Duty Officer; Accomplice Taken into Custody—But Where’s the Pizza?**
In a shocking turn of events that has left New Yorkers scratching their heads and wondering where they left their pizza, the NYPD is on the hunt for a suspect involved in the assault of an off-duty officer. Meanwhile, an accomplice has been taken into custody, presumably for not sharing their last slice of pepperoni.
The incident occurred late Saturday night when Officer Joe “I’m Not a Cop Right Now” Smith was enjoying a well-deserved break from the beat. Witnesses say he was minding his own business, sipping a soda and contemplating the meaning of life—or at least the meaning of the last episode of “Friends”—when he was approached by a man who reportedly shouted, “Hey, aren’t you that guy from the precinct?!” before launching into a series of poorly executed karate moves.
“I thought he was just trying to show off his TikTok dance skills,” said a nearby hot dog vendor, who wished to remain anonymous but goes by the name of Frank “The Weiner” Johnson. “I was about to join in when I realized it was an actual fight. I mean, who does karate in the middle of a hot dog stand?”
The NYPD has released a statement urging anyone with information about the suspect to come forward. “We’re looking for a man who is approximately 6 feet tall, has a questionable haircut, and may or may not be wearing a shirt that says ‘I Love New York’—but only ironically,” said Officer Linda “Not the One Who Dances” Rodriguez.
As for the accomplice, identified as “Tony the Turtleneck,” he was apprehended after attempting to flee the scene on a scooter while wearing a turtleneck sweater. “I thought it was a fashion statement,” he said, looking bewildered. “I didn’t know it was a crime to look fabulous!”
In a bizarre twist, the NYPD is also investigating reports that the suspect may have been trying to steal Officer Smith’s pizza, which was left unattended during the scuffle. “If you can’t protect your pizza, can you really protect the city?” asked Officer Smith, who is now considering a career in pizza security.
As the search continues, one thing is clear: New Yorkers will not rest until justice—and their pizza—is served. Stay tuned for updates, and remember, if you see a man in a questionable haircut and a turtleneck, it’s probably just Tony trying to make a fashion comeback.
