**New Orleans Archdiocese Settles for Nearly $180M with Clergy Abuse Victims: Church Now Accepts Monopoly Money as Compensation**
In a groundbreaking move that has left many scratching their heads and others rolling on the floor laughing, the New Orleans Archdiocese has settled for nearly $180 million with clergy abuse victims. The settlement, which is rumored to have been negotiated over a game of poker, has sparked a wave of reactions from both the faithful and the faithless.
Archbishop Gregory Aymond, who was last seen trying to bless a stack of cash, stated, “We believe this settlement will help us move forward. Plus, it’s a great way to fund our new ‘Holy Water and Healing’ spa. We’re calling it ‘Baptism by Budget.’”
Victim advocate and part-time stand-up comedian, Chuck “The Holy Roller” McGee, quipped, “I always thought the church was good at collecting money, but I didn’t know they were also good at giving it away! Maybe I should start a collection plate for my comedy tour!”
Meanwhile, local priest Father O’Malley, who has been known to bless the occasional poker game, commented, “I’m just glad they didn’t settle for a lifetime supply of communion wafers. I mean, have you ever tried to eat those things? They’re like cardboard with a hint of regret.”
In a surprising twist, the Archdiocese announced that they would now accept Monopoly money as a form of compensation. “It’s colorful, it’s fun, and it’s way easier to count than actual cash,” said Archbishop Aymond. “Plus, we can always use it to buy Boardwalk!”
As the dust settles on this historic agreement, one thing is clear: the New Orleans Archdiocese is committed to making amends, one hilarious headline at a time. And who knows? Maybe next year they’ll settle for a lifetime supply of beignets instead.
