**New COVID-19 Variant Cases in the US Tied to China’s Surge: Report**
In a shocking twist that has left scientists scratching their heads and conspiracy theorists high-fiving each other, a new report suggests that the latest COVID-19 variant cases in the U.S. are directly linked to a surge in cases in China. Experts are now scrambling to figure out if this is a viral mutation or just a really bad game of telephone.
Dr. Ima Quack, a self-proclaimed virologist and part-time fortune teller, stated, “It’s like the virus is playing a game of tag, but instead of kids, it’s just a bunch of viruses with really bad social skills. I mean, who knew they could even travel internationally? I can barely get my cat to come when I call!”
Meanwhile, the CDC has issued a statement urging Americans to remain calm and to avoid any sudden movements, especially if they see someone wearing a mask that looks suspiciously like a panda. “We’re not saying the new variant is dangerous,” said CDC spokesperson, Dr. Phil McCracken. “But if you see someone eating dumplings while wearing a hazmat suit, it might be time to reconsider your dinner plans.”
In a bizarre twist, a group of amateur scientists from Ohio has taken it upon themselves to create a new drink called “The COVID-19 Cocktail,” which they claim will boost immunity. “It’s just a mix of hand sanitizer and whatever’s left in the fridge,” said local bartender and part-time chemist, Chuck “The Virus Slayer” Johnson. “We’re calling it ‘The Last Resort.’”
As the U.S. braces for another round of COVID-19 variants, one thing is clear: if the virus is going to keep mutating, it might as well do it with a sense of humor. After all, laughter is the best medicine—unless you’re trying to cure a virus, in which case, you might want to stick to actual medicine.
