**Navy Stops Animal Experiments Following PETA’s Letter to Hegseth on Taxpayer Funding: A Sea Change in Science!**
In a shocking turn of events that has left both scientists and squirrels scratching their heads, the U.S. Navy has announced it will cease all animal experiments following a heartfelt letter from PETA to Fox News host Pete Hegseth. The letter, which was written in crayon and included a drawing of a sad-looking dolphin, urged the Navy to reconsider its use of taxpayer dollars for “unnecessary and cruel” experiments.
“Honestly, we thought they were just going to ignore us,” said PETA spokesperson Fluffy McFlufferson, who was last seen wearing a tutu made of recycled paper. “But then we realized that if you send a letter to a guy who once ate a live octopus on TV, you might just get a reaction!”
The Navy’s decision has left many scientists in a state of disbelief. Dr. Algae Green, a marine biologist, lamented, “I was just about to test my new underwater jetpack on a group of very willing sea turtles. Now I’ll have to find a new way to fund my research. Maybe I’ll start a GoFundMe for ‘Turtle Jetpack Trials.’”
In a bizarre twist, Hegseth himself responded to the letter with a tweet that read, “I’m all for saving the animals, but what about the fish? They need to be tested too! #FishLivesMatter.” This led to a nationwide debate on whether fish should be included in the Navy’s next recruitment drive.
Meanwhile, the Navy has announced it will redirect its funding towards more “humane” experiments, such as testing the buoyancy of inflatable pool toys. “We believe this is a step in the right direction,” said Admiral Seaweed McSplash, who is currently drafting a new policy titled “Operation Pool Party.”
As the dust settles on this aquatic controversy, one thing is clear: the Navy may have stopped experimenting on animals, but they’ve certainly opened the floodgates for a whole new wave of ridiculousness. Stay tuned for updates on the Navy’s next big project: “Operation Squeaky Clean,” where they’ll be testing the effectiveness of soap on rubber ducks!
