**Navy Ends Animal Experiments; PETA Reaches Out to Hegseth on Taxpayer-Funded Testing**
In a shocking turn of events that has left both animal rights activists and Navy personnel scratching their heads, the U.S. Navy has officially announced the end of animal experiments. This decision comes just as PETA has decided to reach out to Fox News’ own Pete Hegseth, who is known for his love of all things meat and his questionable opinions on everything else.
“Honestly, we were just trying to figure out how to make dolphins more effective at delivering pizza,” said Rear Admiral Flipper McFlop, who was clearly not prepared for the backlash. “But now we’re left with a bunch of confused sea creatures and a lot of leftover pizza.”
PETA, in a bold move, has sent a heartfelt letter to Hegseth, suggesting he take a break from his usual grilling of burgers and instead focus on the “grilling” of the Navy’s budget. “We believe that taxpayer dollars should be spent on more important things, like funding vegan cooking classes for military personnel,” said PETA spokesperson, Tofu McVegan. “Imagine a world where sailors are trained to make kale smoothies instead of torturing innocent lab rats!”
Hegseth, who was busy preparing for his next segment titled “Meat: The Only Food That Matters,” responded with a classic Hegseth-ian twist. “I’m all for saving animals, but if we can’t test on them, how will we know if our new BBQ sauce is effective against the taste buds of America?” he quipped, while simultaneously flipping a burger and a bird.
As the Navy scrambles to find new ways to test their equipment—rumor has it they’re considering using inflatable pool toys—PETA is gearing up for a new campaign: “Save the Sea Creatures, Grill the Humans.” Because if there’s one thing we can all agree on, it’s that nothing says “freedom” like a good old-fashioned cookout… as long as it’s not on the backs of our furry friends.
In the meantime, the Navy is reportedly looking into alternative testing methods, including using “highly trained” squirrels and a questionable amount of duct tape. Stay tuned for updates as this story continues to unfold—preferably without any animals involved!
