**Microsoft Declares War on Malware: 394,000 Windows Computers Saved, 394,000 Users Still Confused**
In a groundbreaking move that has left tech enthusiasts scratching their heads and malware developers shaking in their virtual boots, Microsoft has announced the elimination of a particularly pesky strain of malware that was affecting a staggering 394,000 Windows computers. The malware, affectionately dubbed “Nuisance 3000,” was known for its ability to turn users’ screens into a digital version of a toddler’s finger painting.
“Honestly, we thought it was just a new Windows feature,” said local user Bob “I Still Use Windows 7” Thompson. “I mean, who doesn’t want their computer to look like a Jackson Pollock painting? But then I realized I couldn’t access my files. That’s when I knew something was up.”
Microsoft’s Chief Malware Exterminator, Dr. Byte McVirus, announced the news with a flourish. “We’ve been working tirelessly to eradicate this digital pest,” he said, while simultaneously trying to figure out how to turn off his own computer’s update notifications. “Our team of highly trained professionals has been working around the clock, fueled by nothing but caffeine and the sweet, sweet sound of error messages.”
In a shocking twist, the malware was discovered to have been created by a rogue group of disgruntled IT workers who were tired of being asked to fix their friends’ computers. “We just wanted to teach them a lesson,” said one anonymous hacker, who goes by the name of “Ctrl-Alt-Delete.” “But we didn’t expect it to get this out of hand. Now we’re just hoping for a job at Microsoft.”
As the dust settles and the malware is vanquished, users are left with one burning question: “What’s next?” In response, Microsoft has announced a new initiative to tackle the next big threat: “Windows 11.” Experts predict this will lead to a new wave of confusion, as users try to figure out how to turn off their computers without accidentally launching a rocket to Mars.
In the meantime, Microsoft encourages all users to stay vigilant and to remember the golden rule of computing: “If it’s not working, just turn it off and on again. And if that doesn’t work, call your mom.”
