Chris Kempczinski, McDonald’s President and CEO
OAK BROOK, ILLINOIS – It’s a dark time for fast-food enthusiasts worldwide. McDonald’s, the golden beacon of indulgence, has found itself at the epicenter of a global revolt after rolling out its new Slightly Less Salty fries. The controversial change, masterminded by CEO Chris Kempczinski, has left customers salty in more ways than one.
“We care deeply about our customers’ health,” Kempczinski announced at a press conference, awkwardly staged in what appeared to be a “pink slime” processing facility. “By reducing the salt content in our fries by 0.0003%, we’re taking a monumental step toward wellness.”
But wellness, it seems, comes at a cost.
The Outcry Heard ‘Round the World
Billy Ray Jenkins of Texas
From Kansas to Kuala Lumpur, customers are furious. Social media platforms are flooded with angry hashtags, including #BringBackTheSalt and #FriesBeforeLies. Protesters in Paris—home of the Quarter Pounder Royale with Cheese—have taken to the streets, pelting McDonald’s locations with baguettes.
“This is an attack on our culture!” exclaimed Jacques DuFry, a French fry aficionado. “Fries are meant to be crispy, salty, and greasy. Not this… bland abomination!”
Meanwhile, in the United States, customers are demanding a “pound of flesh” (or at least a pound of salt) from Kempczinski himself. “I didn’t come to McDonald’s to eat health food,” growled Billy Ray Jenkins of Texas. “If I wanted low sodium, I’d drink water!”
Scientists Weigh In
Food scientists were quick to point out that the change is nearly imperceptible. “The fries are still fried in oil hotter than the sun and retain enough salt to preserve a woolly mammoth,” said Dr. Donna Sprinkle, a nutritionist. “But it’s the principle of the thing, you know? People like their traditions.”
McDonald’s Responds
McDonald’s Fries
Despite the uproar, Kempczinski remains unflappable. “The Slightly Less Salty fries represent the future of fast food,” he declared while sampling a suspiciously shiny nugget. “And don’t worry—we’ve balanced this out by making our sodas 30% sweeter.”
The company has also hinted at additional health-conscious menu changes, including a “Super Lite” Big Mac featuring only one patty, no bun, and an optional lettuce wrap.
Customers Fight Back
For now, the people have spoken, and they’re loud. A Change.org petition titled “Make Fries Salty Again” has already garnered over 10 million signatures, and underground salt smuggling rings have reportedly emerged in several states.
As for McDonald’s, it seems the fry wars are just beginning. And if history has taught us anything, it’s that you don’t mess with people’s fries.
Stay tuned for updates—and pass the salt.
