**Massachusetts Teen Admits Guilt in Theft and Extortion of Teacher and Student Data: “I Just Wanted to Be the Next Zuckerberg!”**
In a shocking turn of events that has left the Massachusetts education system reeling, local teen and self-proclaimed “data wizard” Timmy McHacker, 16, has admitted to stealing and extorting sensitive information from teachers and students alike. The young mastermind reportedly believed he could “become the next Zuckerberg” by launching his own social media platform, “FaceBroke,” where users could share their most embarrassing moments for a small fee.
“I thought I could just swipe some grades and make a killing,” Timmy explained in a press conference that was mostly just him eating a slice of pizza. “I mean, who wouldn’t pay to see Mrs. Thompson’s 8th-grade report card? It’s a goldmine!”
Authorities say Timmy’s operation began when he hacked into the school’s database using nothing more than a borrowed laptop and a YouTube tutorial titled “Hacking for Dummies.” “I was just trying to impress my crush, Jessica,” he confessed. “I thought if I could show her I was a tech genius, she’d finally notice me. Turns out, she was more into the football team.”
In a bizarre twist, Timmy attempted to extort his own principal, Mr. Jenkins, by threatening to release his secret collection of dad jokes unless he received a lifetime supply of pizza. “I was just trying to negotiate,” Timmy said, shrugging. “I mean, who wouldn’t want to trade bad puns for pepperoni?”
The school district has since implemented a new policy: “No more pizza for hackers.” Meanwhile, Timmy has been sentenced to community service, where he will be forced to help teachers learn how to use their own computers. “It’s a win-win,” he said. “I get to show off my skills, and they get to learn how to turn it off and on again!”
As for Jessica, she remains blissfully unaware of Timmy’s antics, still waiting for the football team to ask her to prom. “I just hope he doesn’t try to hack into my heart,” she said, rolling her eyes. “That’s a whole different kind of data breach.”
