**Man Accused in 2013 Pennsylvania Campus Sexual Assault Engages Lawyer to Explore Plea Deal Options: A Comedy of Errors**
In a plot twist that could only be scripted by a team of caffeinated monkeys, local man and self-proclaimed “professional procrastinator” Chad “The Delay” Thompson has engaged a lawyer to explore plea deal options for a sexual assault case dating back to 2013. Thompson, who has spent the last decade perfecting his “I’ll get to it later” philosophy, claims he was simply “waiting for the right moment” to address the allegations.
“I thought it was like a fine wine,” Thompson explained, sipping on a grape soda. “You know, it gets better with age. But now my lawyer says it’s more like expired milk. Who knew?”
Thompson’s attorney, the illustrious and slightly confused Barry “Bargain” McGee, stated, “We’re exploring all options, including a plea deal that involves a lifetime supply of pizza and a promise to never set foot on a college campus again. I mean, who wouldn’t want that?”
In a shocking twist, Thompson’s former roommate, Kyle “The Witness” Jenkins, has come forward with a statement that has left everyone scratching their heads. “I thought it was just a really intense game of charades,” Jenkins said. “But apparently, it was a lot more serious. Who knew?”
As the case unfolds, Thompson remains optimistic. “I’m just hoping for a deal that allows me to keep my Netflix account active. I can’t miss the new season of ‘The Great British Bake Off’ while I’m in court!”
In a world where justice is often stranger than fiction, one thing is clear: Thompson’s legal strategy is as solid as a Jenga tower in an earthquake. Stay tuned for updates as this saga continues to unfold, likely in the most absurd way possible.
