**Major Upset in Pittsburgh Mayoral Primary: ‘Old Guard’ Candidate Triumphs Over Progressive Incumbent Ed Gainey**
In a shocking turn of events that has left political analysts scratching their heads and local pigeons confused, the Pittsburgh Mayoral Primary saw the ‘Old Guard’ candidate, Chester “The Fossil” McGee, triumph over the progressive incumbent Ed Gainey. McGee, who has been in politics longer than most of us have been alive, celebrated his victory by promptly taking a nap in the middle of his victory speech.
“I always knew the people of Pittsburgh were just waiting for a candidate who remembers when the city was still black and white,” McGee said, adjusting his bifocals. “I mean, who doesn’t love a good rotary phone?”
Gainey, who had been riding a wave of progressive enthusiasm, was left scratching his head and wondering if he should have campaigned with a more retro vibe. “I thought I was doing great with my TikTok dance videos,” he lamented. “But apparently, the voters just wanted someone who could tell them what it was like to walk uphill both ways to school—twice!”
Political pundit and local hot dog vendor, Frank “The Weiner” Johnson, weighed in on the upset. “This is a classic case of the old guard showing the young bucks that sometimes, experience trumps enthusiasm. Plus, Chester promised free hot dogs at every city council meeting. Who can say no to that?”
As the dust settles, McGee is already planning his first act as mayor: a city-wide initiative to bring back the penny-farthing bicycle. “It’s time to get Pittsburgh rolling again—literally!” he declared, as his campaign manager, a confused raccoon named Mr. Whiskers, nodded in agreement.
In the end, it seems that Pittsburgh voters have spoken loud and clear: they prefer their mayors like they prefer their coffee—old, bitter, and with a hint of nostalgia.
