**Labor Department to Halt Job Corps Centers Citing Student Safety Risks and $1.7B Taxpayer Costs: A Comedy of Errors**
In a shocking turn of events that has left the nation scratching its collective head, the Labor Department announced it will be halting all Job Corps Centers, citing “student safety risks” and a staggering $1.7 billion taxpayer cost. Apparently, the only thing more dangerous than a teenager with a hammer is a teenager with a hammer and a budget.
“Look, we love our youth, but we also love our wallets,” said Labor Secretary Chuck “The Budget Slayer” McPenny. “We can’t have kids running around with power tools when they could be safely scrolling through TikTok instead. It’s a safety hazard, and frankly, it’s a financial black hole.”
In a press conference that felt more like a stand-up routine, McPenny continued, “We’ve crunched the numbers, and it turns out that teaching kids how to build things is way more expensive than just letting them build their self-esteem through social media likes. Plus, have you seen the price of lumber lately? I mean, come on!”
Local Job Corps student, 17-year-old Timmy “The Toolman” Thompson, expressed his disappointment. “I was really looking forward to learning how to fix things. Now I guess I’ll just have to stick to fixing my mom’s Wi-Fi. Thanks, Uncle Sam!”
Meanwhile, the Department of Labor has proposed a new initiative: “Job Corps Lite,” where students can learn valuable skills like how to make the perfect avocado toast and the art of the selfie. “It’s all about preparing them for the real world,” said McPenny. “And if they can’t find a job, at least they’ll have a killer Instagram feed.”
As the nation braces for the fallout of this decision, one thing is clear: the only thing more expensive than teaching kids to work is teaching them to not work at all. Stay tuned for updates as we follow this riveting saga of safety, savings, and social media!
