**Labor Department to Halt Job Corps Centers Citing Student Safety Risks and $1.7B Taxpayer Burden: A Comedy of Errors**
In a shocking turn of events that has left the nation scratching its collective head, the Labor Department announced it will be halting all Job Corps Centers, citing “student safety risks” and a staggering $1.7 billion taxpayer burden. Apparently, the only thing more dangerous than a chainsaw-wielding teenager is the thought of taxpayers actually getting their money’s worth.
“Look, we love our youth, but we love our wallets more,” said Labor Secretary Chuck “The Budget Slayer” McPenny. “We can’t have kids learning how to build houses when they could be learning how to build a solid credit score instead. That’s the real American dream!”
In a press conference that felt more like a stand-up routine, McPenny continued, “We’ve seen too many kids trying to use power tools. Last week, one kid tried to fix a leaky faucet and ended up creating a new water feature for the local park. It was beautiful, but we can’t have that kind of creativity on our hands!”
Meanwhile, local Job Corps students expressed their dismay. “I was just about to learn how to fix a car,” said 17-year-old Timmy “The Wrench” Johnson. “Now I guess I’ll just have to stick to fixing my mom’s Wi-Fi. It’s not as glamorous, but at least I won’t lose a finger.”
Critics of the decision are already calling for a protest, with slogans like “Save Our Saws!” and “Chainsaws for Change!” being thrown around. “We need to give these kids a chance to learn,” said activist and self-proclaimed ‘Chainsaw Whisperer’ Linda “Lumberjack” Thompson. “What’s next? Are we going to stop teaching kids how to cook because they might burn their toast?”
As the nation grapples with this decision, one thing is clear: the only thing more dangerous than a Job Corps Center is a government trying to save money. Stay tuned for updates as we follow this story, or as we like to call it, “The Great Job Corps Caper.”
